In many potentially violent situations, where de-escalation is appropriate, the incident needs to be brought under control quickly i.e., there isn’t the time for a protracted discussion on the rights and wrongs of what has happened etc. If somebody is highly emotional and in a volatile state, this needs to be addressed immediately, however not everybody reaches a state where they are prepared to use violence right away; many people need some time to both reach a decision and get themselves psychologically/emotionally ready to act physically etc. I’ve walked people out of bars and clubs, where they’ve seemed in a passive and controllable state, for them to lose it completely a few minutes later – all that time they were silently stewing, till they reached their boiling point. In these types of situation de-escalation may need to be a longer and more continuous process, in order to ensure that the individual doesn’t reach that point where they are unable to consider any alternatives other than acting violently. This is where active listening can be a valuable skill to have – especially if you work in a field where you deal with customers/clients who have the capacity to become aggressive and belligerent e.g., almost every customer facing job. Active listening is not something we do naturally, or is a skill that is intuitive, as most of our day-to-day listening is passive e.g., where we are listening to the radio/TV, or somebody re-telling an incident that happened to them etc. Research has also shown that even at times where individuals should be actively listening, they don’t e.g., studies have consistently shown that doctors stop listening to a patient’s description of their symptoms before they’ve been fully explained and are already making a diagnosis before they have been given a full list of them etc. We are often so eager to solve a problem, that we don’t hear fully what the problem/issue is, and then become baffled when our solution is rejected, and the person we’re dealing with seems more angry/aggressive than when we started interacting with them.
The process of Active Listening involves five stages: Receiving, Understanding, Evaluating, Remembering and Responding, and it is important that each one is completed in turn. Rarely do we check that we understand things, we naturally assume that we do, and often when we do check we understand things we are concerned with the facts rather than a person’s motivation(s) or emotional state etc. Angry people usually want some acknowledgement of their frustration, rather than just a straightforward solution to their issue/problem – in a fast-paced and dynamic confrontation the solution may need to be sought first, but somewhere in the process (when the person is less emotionally volatile), the frustration itself usually needs to be addressed. It is also important to actively remember what we have understood and evaluated, to make sure we stay on track, when addressing an issue/problem. There are five basic tools that can be used when engaging in active listening, these are: Paraphrasing, Mirroring, Labelling, Summative Reflection, and I-Messaging. It is not necessary to use all of these tools, and they are not listed in any particular order of importance. They are simply a set of tools that can be used singularly, or collectively depending on the individual(s) you are dealing with.
By putting another person’s thoughts and ideas into our own words – paraphrasing – we demonstrate that we understand the meaning behind what is being said. The effectiveness of paraphrasing in demonstrating understanding can be seen in a 2004 study by van Barren et al., which showed that when a waitress repeated back what had just been said to her, using her own words, rather than simply confirming what had been said, her tips increased by 140%. By pausing for a moment and then paraphrasing she communicated that she was making an extra effort to listen and understand, and when she did this, customers reciprocated by giving larger tips. Frustration is a primary cause of anger and aggression, and many people’s frustration is a result of them feeling that the issue(s) they are dealing with has not been understood fully, and/or is not being taken as seriously as it deserves/warrants. Paraphrasing communicates that this is not the case, and if used effectively can help deescalate an incident. When we employ this method, we should make sure that we don’t simply parrot back what the other person is saying, and/or that we don’t ramble on trying to extend, and add meaning, to what the other person is saying.
Another tool in the Active Listening toolbox is Mirroring/Reflective Feelings. This is where we try and demonstrate that we understand the emotional state of the individual we are dealing with by “reflecting” how we would feel if we were in their position e.g., “I understand you, I also feel disrespected when somebody jumps ahead of me in a line/queue. I just didn’t realize you there waiting there.” Making an emotional connection can demonstrate that you don’t just understand the issue, you feel it too. This can be combined with Labelling/Reflective Meaning, which starts to demonstrate that you understand why a person feels aggressive/angry. Labelling, takes the structure of “When”, something happens it makes the person “Feel” a certain way, “Because” of something e.g., WHEN somebody jumps a queue in front of a person it makes them FEEL angry, BECAUSE they’ve been disrespected etc. In practice it can often seem a clunky tool to use, and seem a bit contrived, however it can be useful in helping the individual you are dealing with to cognitively understand what the underlying issue is. Often people when they are angry become so overtaken by their emotions that they’re unable to analyze the actual reason for their anger.
I-Messaging, can be used to show how a person’s anger/behavior affects us – and helps to build rapport e.g., “I find it difficult to understand what you’re saying when you shout at me.” This can be a way to get somebody to stop shouting, without making a posturing statement/command, such as “Stop Shouting”, which is likely to escalate the situation. Another way to get people to stop shouting, is to ask them to slow down with what they are saying; again, this can be framed as an “I-message”, by stating that you find it really difficult to make sense of what they’re saying when they’re talking too fast. It is hard for people to shout slowly, and so they naturally lower their voice, which also has the added effect of reducing their emotional state.
When using these tools – in a more prolonged verbal confrontation – it can be useful to sum everything up every now and again; something referred to as “Summative Reflection”. Often, an angry person will start to lose track of the issue(s), as their emotions overtake them, and so keeping them on track to resolve the conflict can be difficult e.g., they become like a barking dog who’s forgotten why it started barking in the first place. By every now and again summing up the underlying issue(s), the real reason for their anger can be focused on, or even discovered e.g., the person you are dealing with can reject the summation, and the other Active Listening tools, can be used to discover the real motivation for their aggression. It should be remembered that these are tools that are appropriate for disputes and confrontations where the individual is not yet ready to go physical, and where they are still hoping/waiting for a non-violent resolution of the confrontation – if somebody is ready to go then other solutions are needed.
